16 December 2010

A Recipe for Breda: Toliet Paper Casserole

Noted guns & butter, recipe master, Breda, could have a field day with the notoriously high in fiber, with extra protein dish that constitutes a customary shopping trip every time the "ZoMG! WHITE DEATH is falling from the heavens, SAVE US GOD!" 

Basically, if you are unfamiliar with Baltimore, nearly every time there is a snow storm, the TV stations will put out multiple reporters to various "live shots."  One of those live shots will invariably show the obligatory "empty shelves" of the grocery stores.  Of the empty shelves, the Baltamorons that are interviewed will be guaranteed to tell you that they have just bought milk, eggs, bread, and toilet paper.  This phenomenon has come to be known as the "casserole" effect, appropriately named by my grandmother. 

The reason being that those ingredients (milk, eggs, bread and TP) are the key necessary ingredients to making Toilet Paper casserole.  Though there is no known formal recipe, one can surmise that it would read something like this:

1 Forecast of at least 1" of ZoMG! WHITE DEATH (snow)
3 cups of Baltimore News Channel Reporter and TV Crew
3 tbsp of panic
1 closed school system (prior to the snow)
1" of snow
1 gal 2% milk
Doz & 1/2 large eggs
1 full loaf of Wonder Bread (white preferred)
1 Charmin value pack (8 rolls)

Take one mixing bowl and place the Baltimore TV weatherman's forecast of at least 1" of snow on the 6 PM evening news.  Watch this newscast until you hear the word "snow" repeated at least 6 times.  At which point we then shake in 1 cup of the Baltimore News Channel Reporter & TV Crew doing live shots before one flake of snow can even be seen.  This live shot may include canned footage of highway crews loading trucks with salt and placing chains on their tires. 

At this point, take one of the 3 tbsp of panic and use it in the mixing bowl of sensationalism.  Go to bed, and let the mixture percolate in the fridge over night.  At 5am the next morning, arise from bed and check the local news to see that the TV crews are still indeed doing their live shots from last night.  If they are, turn on your AM radio to 1090.  If at least one school system has closed, look out your window to confirm no snow is on the ground.  At this point, mix in the 2nd tbsp of panic, wake and dress the kiddies so you can get them ready to go to the store. 

While at the store, head straight for the diary case first.  Eggs and milk are the first things to be picked over, followed by bread.  Toilet paper will be the last product to be picked over of the four main ingredients.  Do not purchase any other products as this will prevent the casserole from being adequately formed.  Use the express lines in the grocery store, and chat with as many people as possible about the yet to occur storm in hopes you will induce enough panic to cause your sensationalism to build to ludicrous speed.

Exit the store to head home, but if you would happen to see any TV crews, make sure you stop and talk with them, mentioning the fact that you were fortunate enough to be the last person to get any of the key ingredients to make your casserole.  Safe guard these items with your life because if they should be stolen, your life will most certainly come to a screeching, panic induced end. 

Once at home, retrieve your mixing bowl from the fridge and let warm.  Once the TV crews report the first flake has hit the ground, you can then mix in 3cups of milk, and your remaining tbsp of panic.  Crack open 2 large eggs and place the remainder in the fridge.  Fold in one roll of toilet paper and 4 slices of bread.  Mix thoroughly until well blended. 

Poor mixture into one medium sized casserole dish (preferably Pyrex) and let bake @ 350 degrees until the end of the snow storm. 

Servings are variable by nature, and not known to contain any nutritious qualities. 


  1. ah, this made my afternoon (and i'm having a SHITSTORM of a day).

  2. Brilliant dude! Funny because it's true.